Pastor Babel “Bubba” Bathos stepped up to the podium after the opening hymnal “And I Must Be to Judgement Brought.”
“All praise and glory to our music minister, Mrs. Thaddeus Tsongus! Welcome everyone to our Church of the Immaculation!” The Church of the Immaculation was housed in a long-abandoned frame house on the edge of town.
“Now here are this week’s announcements. We regret the unfortunate misspelling mistake on this week’s order of service. This week’s sermon will be about The Rapture, not The Rupture. We also regret some confusion about this week’s billboard “Open your mouth and I will fill it.” That’s scripture, Psalm 81:10. I apologize to Sister Reemer for the misunderstanding. Okay. The Come to Jesus Ladies Auxiliary will host a potluck dinner this Saturday at noon here, and may I say Sister Jovanovich’s potato salad is to die for! Which reminds me, we’ll all be dying soon, which I’ll come to later in the sermon. Brother Wiener, retired sharpshooter extraordinaire, reminds me to remind our gentlemen about the Bibles, Guns, and Ammo Fellowship at the shooting range after church today at 2:00. Are there any other announcements?”
Sister Ribald rose, blushed, and reminded everyone about the weekly Prayer Ring of Burning Fire at her home on Wednesday evening and to bring snacks. She sat down and put her hand on her boyfriend’s upper thigh and giggled.
“Thank you, Sister Ribald. Now we are delighted to be hearing this week’s special music, Sister Screech singing ‘Be Ready to Go’”
Sister Screech began with “We’re told in the Bible that Jesus is coming! Be ready to Go! Be Ready to Go! …”
“Thank you, Sister Screech, yes, indeedy, we’ll be ready to go! Hallelujah. Now, do we have any visitors today?”
“Yes!” Sister Beam practically yelled out. “This is Brother Jack Lack. I met him last night and now we’re engaged to be married! Praise the Lord!” Sister Beam was excited not to be regarded as the town’s “Old Maid” anymore.
“Congratulations. Brother Lack! Would you like to say anything?”
Brother Lack mumbled “Uh, no. Well, maybe we need to slow down, Lolly. Not be too hasty. Sorry.” He sat down. Sister Beam burst out in tears.
Pastor Bathos waited as the couple exited the church.
“Okay! Well then. Now before I begin the sermon, let me remind you this is only the third service since we broke away from The Primitive Baptists who were just too liberal for us. They believe only the elect will ascend to heaven in the Rapture whereas we believe only the elect of the elected will be going. The elect of the elected comes down to the 39 members of this congregation. Hallelujah! Also, they refused to use sliced bread in the communion. Now, this is ridiculous – after all, we live in the great city of Chillicothe, Missouri, Home of Sliced Bread!”
And with that, Pastor Bathos launched into his sermon.
“Please turn in your Bibles for today’s readings.
First is Isiah 8:18 – ‘Look! I and the children whom Yahweh has given to me are like signs and portents in Israel from Yahweh of hosts, the one who dwells on the mountain of Zion.’
Now for the reading from Revelations 16:2 – ‘The first angel went and poured out his bowl on the land, and ugly, festering sores broke out on the people who had the mark of the beast and worshiped its image.’
And so it is, friends, that we are now living in the time of Coronavirus, the first bowl in
Revelations, with its ugly, festering sores and aching bodies rained down on those with the mark of the beast, who worshipped anyone and anything besides our dear Lord and Savior. These include Primitive Baptists and all other backsliding Christians, as well as atheists, agnostics, Jews, Muslims, Buddhists, Catholics, liberals, cigarette smokers, fornicators, homosexuals, and all manner of idol worshippers. And that’s just a partial list, it just goes on and on.
This first bowl signifies all the other bowls to be spilled by the angels. Revelations tells us of other bowls being spilled by the angels.
The river and the seas will be filled with the blood of cursed as signified by the second and third bowls.
The fourth bowl is about the sun searing people with intense heat as signified by temperatures rising everywhere across the globe and believe me, it’s going to get worse. The rising temperatures will dry up the great river Euphrates as signified by the sixth bowl.
The fifth bowl will be spilled on the throne of the beast, who we’ve known for over a decade is the Muslim Barack Obama
The seventh bowl will be spilled into the air with a loud voice from the temple crying ‘It is done!’ The temple is the embassy that our beloved prophet President Donald Trump moved to Jerusalem.”
The congregation, 27 strong, had by now fallen into a swoon of ecstasy – “Amen!” Glory!” Preach it, Brother Bubba!” “Holler out His Name!” Hallelujah!” “This train, this train!” “Smother me, Jesus!” “Bury me, Nicodemus!” “Soul train!” and a smattering of speaking in tongues. Pale and frail, Sister Giddie fainted for the third time in three weeks.
Pastor Bathos waited until the congregants had played out their exultations, about five minutes.
“There are many other signs and portents sprinkled throughout the Bible for us to ponder.
2 Chronicles foretells the plague of locusts recently visited upon the sin city of Las Vegas. Matthew 24:7 warns us of famines and earthquakes. Sure enough, there are people starving in Nigeria, South Sudan, Somalia, and Yemen. Earthquakes have raged recently in Croatia, the Philippine islands, Ecuador, Greece, and China. Volcanoes have erupted in Japan, Indonesia, Ecuador, Nigeria, and Russia. Timothy warns of the breakdown in families and the wild, disobedient children we see all around us.
Christians have stopped visiting the Meggido Valley in Israel where the epic battle of Armageddon will occur according to Revelations. I ask you, friends, is this not surely an omen that the end times are upon us?
And, yes, we are widely ridiculed for believing this, even by hypocritical so-called Christian scholars and ministers, but I say unto you that even this ridicule is prophesied in 2 Peter 3:3! Stay strong, brothers and sisters! Your reward is nigh, for we and only we, the Church of the Immaculation, the elect of the elected, the true believers, the true supplicants of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, will be the only ones who ascend to the heavenly city, amen!”
A second wave of ecstatic shouts and swoons passed through the congregation members as numerous encomiums were offered up simultaneously in praise of Jesus, the President, and Brother Bubba. Sister Giddie passed out again.
Pastor Bathos joined in at first, then waited until the last “Glory!” had passed Brother Hollerin’s lips.
“There are not enough Glorys and Hallelujahs, brother and sisters, to express our joy at the coming Apocalypse. Let us now sing our closing hymn with these beautiful words of vengeance for non-believers, ‘Depart from me, accursed, to everlasting flame.’ The hymn is ‘And Will the Judge Descend’. Let us now lift our voices in song.”
The congregation sang not in mumbles as usual, but with a full-throated passion in the righteousness of their coming redemption.
After the singing ended, Pastor Bathos said, “As the hymn says in its last two lines, ‘And the last awful day shall pour His blessing on your head.’ It is nigh. Now let us pray.
Our dear Heavenly Father, we pray thy blessings on us, the last of the true believers. You know who we are. We do not drink the evil spirits nor fornicate with the abandon of The Primitive Baptists when they think they are out of your sight, which they can never be. You will send the accursed to the everlasting flame and embrace us in the final rapture. We have followed your commandments without fail. We have sung your praises and are without sin. You have anointed President Trump to guide us through these perilous times as we approach the end. We pray you grant him an exemption so that he may ascend with the rest of us, as we have made him an honorary congregant. May we remind you of our full-hearted support of the Jews who are so essential to the coming Rapture, the means to our ends. We regret that they will burn in hell with the rest. We are ready, oh Lord, way beyond ready. If there is anything we can do to help you hasten the Rapture, please just let us know, for we have been waiting for so long, oh Lord, oh so long. Lift us soon, Heavenly Father, from this vail of tears. Again, anything we can do to help. Let’s git ‘er done. Amen.”
With that, Pastor Bathos walked down the aisle and greeted the congregants on their way out of the church. The last congregant to leave, Sister Reemer, who had stealthily unbuttoned the top two buttons of her blouse, got down on her knees before him to ask him forgiveness for her unfortunate misunderstanding of the billboard announcement. He said, “Bless you, child, maybe some other time.” She started crying.
After Sister Reemer left, Pastor Bathos hurried home, got his AR-15 and went to join his brothers at the shooting range for the Bible, Guns, and Ammo Fellowship. They prayed, broke sliced bread, then blasted away. Just as they finished, black clouds formed on the horizon.
That night, thunders roared, rain poured down in mighty waves, and lightning struck and burned down the Church of the Immaculation.
The next morning, Pastor Babel “Bubba” Bathos surveyed the smoking remains of the church and raised his arms to the Heavens. “Hallelujah, Lord! Signs and Portents!”
Copyright © Johnny Clack 2022
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