Author’s note: readers are encouraged to preview a YouTube clip of this song at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MOfFB5QF4iQ.
Jack brought up YouTube on the big screen in the dingy off-campus apartment. Shirley lit up a joint and started passing it around. Might as well get blitzed. because she knew he was about to get all wound up and go on and on about some stupid popular culture artifact. It was his thing – he was pursuing a Master’s in Cultural Studies at Georgetown.
“Hey guys, ya gotta see this,” Jack started. “I mean, really. So, what we have here is one of the most underrated pop tunes of all time. I’m doing my Thesis on it. It’s the classic ‘Short Shorts’ by the Royal Teens in 1958. As usual, I’ll stop the clip at critical times to explain why it’s so important. The rowdy mid-50s of Elvis, Chuck, Jerry Lee, and Johnny had passed, and things had settled down, but The Royal Teens kept things lively with this one. Two minutes and forty-five seconds of pure bliss. Ready?”
Shirley, Drake, Tony, LaTonya, Joleen, Matt, and Maddy all simultaneously rolled their eyes and slouched further down into a vintage tufted velvet couch that might have been green way back when. Matt took a swig of Tequila and started passing the bottle around.
“Ok, the Royal Teens are on some show I can’t figure out what it is, still researching it. It might be Saturday Night Beechnut Show, I don’t know. Anyway, some dorky guy in a formal bowtie and loud madras coat with satin lapels that taper down to a single button clasped somewhere between his bully button and his dick announces the band. As he announces the band, he flings out his left arm and scoots backward, butt first, hilarious.”
“Ok, so now see the band guys. They’re dressed pretty much like the announcer, only in coats with broad black and white vertical stripes. Now a girl in … wait for it … short shorts, strides purposefully out onto the stage while looking directly at the saxophone player. Now she pivots around with her hands on her hips with one foot in front of the other at just about a right angle.”
“At 10 seconds, the sax player puts his fingers in his mouth and gives a classic wolf whistle, only you can tell it’s not him, probably someone off stage.”
The gang sat up a little. It really is a fascinating little scene, like ancient history.
“Now she turns and looks at the guitar player doing a little wolf whistle riff. The guy at the piano is Bob Gaudio who goes on to sing and write hit songs for Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons. His first hit for them was ‘Sherry’, which he wrote fifteen minutes before a group rehearsal. We’ll go over that clip sometime.”
The group groaned.
“Now ‘Hey, dig that crazy chick!’ I mean isn’t that great? With that, we get into the song proper. They all do the side to side shuffle. The girl is Diana Lee who was a session singer in a studio. Isn’t she great? Doesn’t she look just like a Jersey Girl?”
“The tune is about as basic as you can get. There is total of three lines to the lyrics – Who wears short shorts, We wear short shorts, and They’re such short shorts, repeated several times. That’s it. This is rock’n’roll stripped down to its most basic elements. Billy Crandall’s sax solo rocks.”
Sure enough, by now the gang had gotten off the sofa and were dancing like The Royal Teens only with a lot more abandon.
“At a minute, we cut away to a teen audience clapping their hands. So young! so innocent! Are they really thinking about short shorts? That was pretty daring and sexy at the time. Are they being corrupted even as they clap? Will the girls go home and beg their Moms to buy them short shorts. Are boys hoping that happens?”
“Notice that man at the railing behind the teens. At 1:09 we pause to get a closeup of this man. Up to now, it’s been all fun and games, but with this guy it gets kind of creepy. Who the hell is he? Why is he wearing a conventional suit? What’s that draped over his shoulder? Why? What’s he supposed to be conveying? He shakes his head briefly – is that his sign of disapproval of the rowdy, loud teens and their music? He’s not that old but is he supposed to represent the older generation? Then, he looks up at … what? Is this guy still alive? I hope so, because I want to interview him and ask him what the hell was that all about.”
“You think he’s playing with himself underneath that drapey thing?” Maddy asked. Then the gang all mimicked playing with themselves.
“Aw shut up, Jack,” Shirley whined. “All I want to do is dance, dance, dance.”
“Well … okay. But there’s a nice guitar riff by Billy Dalton coming up. Take note of his carefully coiled coif on his forehead. How long did that take to do?”
Jack started the video up again and the gang, including Jack, danced danced danced.
Copyright © Johnny Clack 2022
Short Shorts 