Wedding

Pastor Bathos “Bubba” Babel cleared his throat.  

“Ahem. Before we begin this wedding ceremony today between Brother Jack Lack and Sister Joleen Javonovich, Now, to be clear, a brother and sister can’t become a husband and wife – it’s a symbolical thing like we’re all the sons and daughters of Christ. Well, that’s not literally true – literally we’re really all the sons and daughters of Adam and Eve, or more like the great-great-great-great-and-on-and-on grandsons and granddaughters of Adam and Eve. But it’s not like incest. I’d say at best Jack and Joleen are probably something like one hundred and seventy-third cousins or thereabouts – I’m still working on all them begats.  But that’s a whole other sermon for another day.   

Anyway, I’d like to say a few words about our rather … well … unusual setting. We are in the charred remains of the Church of the Immaculation, which the Lord saw fit to strike with lightning so it would catch fire as a sign and portent of the End Times I preached about a coupla weeks ago. I’m standing on the ashes of what was my lectern, or pretty darn close to it. Over to my left a few yards away was where the organ was. That means our music has to be all Acapulco, you know, just voices. You’re all sitting on picnic benches brought in for this special occasion set down in close approximation to where our pews were. 

Finally, the reception afterwards will be held right outside of the Glory Gun Range, thanks to Brother Flint, with picnic tables laden with potluck goodies provided by our fine Sisters of the Burning Ring of Fire praise group. And who knows, the brothers of the Bible, Guns, and Ammo Fellowship might get in a round or two on the range! 

Okay, so let’s get this show on the road! Please listen to “His Eye Is On the Sparrow” by Sister Skretche. Too bad we don’t have the organ, but I can tell you one thing for sure, Brother Lack’s got his eye on his pretty little sparrow, Sister Janonovich!” 

The small gathering clapped out of sheer relief when Sister Skretche was done. 

“Thank you, Sister Skretche. Now – if anyone can show just cause why this couple can not be lawfully wedded, let them speak now or forever hold their peace.” 

Sister Beam stood. “I hear they been fornicatin’, Pastor.” 

“Is that true?” Pastor Babel asked Jack. 

Jack shuffled and muttered. “Uh, well, just practicin’ so to speak. All hands and tongues, that kind of thing.” He looked itchy and twitchy in his cheap rented tuxedo. 

“No insertion?”  

“Um, pulling out?” 

“Well, then, no seed has been implanted?” 

“Oh, God no.” 

“Well, then. After my wife passed, I asked God about this very thing, and he said that’s the thing, no babies before marriage. A big relief to me, I can tell you. Makes sense.” 

“Amen!” whispered Sister Reemer. 

Sister Beam insisted, “Isn’t that just a technicality? I mean, is she on the pill? So, he could – oh mercy! – like, spill his seed, that’s what it says in the Bible, and she wouldn’t get pregnant, you know?” 

Sister Giddie passed out.  

“Oh no!” exclaimed Pastor Babel. “The pill, now that’s not natural! All right everybody, I think that’s settled, theologically speaking. Anyway, we’re all going to die soon anyway, remember, End Times, etc. Moving on.” 

“Wait a minute!” Sister Ribold piped out. “Remember that service right before the Church burned down and Sister Javonovich stood up during announcements and introduced Brother Lack and said they’ve reconciled and are going to get married and he hemmed and hawed and said maybe they were rushing it and need to think about it and she started crying and they left church? Remember that? Are they sure they’re ready to enter the holy bonds of matrimony and fidelity and make babies and all that until death do they part?” 

“Now, remember Sister Ribold,” Pastor Babel intoned, “Remember the End Times are upon us and we are gonna ascend to heaven pretty soon, just the 39 of the members of the Church of the Immaculation, plus me, together? Just be patient, it’s gonna happen, we got the signs and portents of the Rapture when the church burned down to prove it. Anyway, Brother Lack, you sure you want to go through with this?” 

Jack shuffled his feet and mumbled, “Yeah, I guess.” 

“Well, alrighty then. We can’t ask Sister Janovovich, soon to be Sister Lack, because Brother Lack can’t see her before the actual wedding according to tradition. So objections rendered and dismissed so let’s get going. Since we don’t have the organ, we’ll need to sing the Wedding March ourselves, Acapulco style. I’ll start us off.” 

The attendees joined Pastor Babel, singing not quite in unison: 

“Da da de DAH! da da de DAH! da da de DAH DAH, da da da DAH DAH!” and so on to the end, the last DAH ending not quite in unison. 

Joleen came down the aisle, radiant, dressed in a Bargain Bin bridal gown. 

The vows were done in boilerplate fashion, after which the newlywed Lacks marched back down the aisle, Joleen radiant, Jack following, shuffling. 

Copyright © Johnny Clack 2022