Mask

Jack walked into the living room and announced, “I’m going to Walmart.” 

“Where’s your mask?” Joleen asked as she looked up from her Cosmopolitan magazine. 

“I ain’t wearing no fucking mask! I don’t care what the fucking Governor announced yesterday! I am a free man! Just because you wear masks, doesn’t mean I have to, baby!” 

“Oh, Jack, really. You wouldn’t know, but wearing a mask is no worse than wearing a bra. Actually, it’s better than wearing a bra. You get used to it in no time.” 

“Ya, right. I’ll wear a bra before I’ll wear a mask!” 

“Okay, I’ll go get one for you.” Joleen came back with a red lacy bra. “See? No straps. Should fit – your boobs are about the same size as mine.” 

“Ha Ha. Very funny. I’ll go get my jock strap for you. You can wear it like a mask and it’s washable. Besides, your nose is only a little smaller than my…” 

“Watch it, buster!” 

“…my limp dick.” 

“And your limp dick is only a little smaller than your…” 

“OK, THAT’S ENOUGH!” 

“Oooh, this silky bra! Feel it.”  

He felt it. He felt her. She felt him. 

They made love. 

*** 

Afterward, Joleen got up on her elbow in bed. “Jack, for real now, what have you got against wearing a mask? You know the coronavirus is spiking up everywhere, hospitals are getting full. It’s a small thing to ask.” 

“Wearing a mask is an infringement on my liberty! My nose and my mouth have to be free, like the fish in the sea!” 

“The fish in the…? Oh c’mon, that’s just ridiculous. Your nose and your mouth have to be free? How about your pecker? Shouldn’t your pecker be free in public, like your nose and your mouth?” 

“Oh, so who’s being ridiculous now?  Okay, I’ll set my pecker free in public, just you watch.” He got up. 

“Oh, silly, lie back down. You’re not going anywhere like that.” 

“Besides it’s my Constitutional right not to wear a mask!” 

“Constitutional right? Where’s that in the Constitution?” 

“Uh … oh yeah, the First Amendment. Free speech.” 

“But you can still speak through a mask. I do it all the time at the grocery store.” 

“But it’s harder to hear, right? Besides, you’re always telling me not to raise my voice, aren’t you?” 

“Free speech, my ass. What else you got, Constitution-wise?” 

“Ok, there’s the Tenth Amendment. Also, always remember the Second Amendment, just on general principle.” 

“The Tenth Amendment? What does that say about wearing a mask, or not wearing a mask? I thought you were a Constitutional textualist, remember? There’s only the text and nothing else can be inferred from it. What’ does the Tenth Amendment say about wearing masks?” 

“Oh, but that’s where you’re wrong. The Tenth Amendment says, it says … oh, hell, I’ll have to look it up.” 

Jack got his phone. “Ok, here it is – the Tenth Amendment says ‘The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people.’ There you go.” 

“Huh? I didn’t hear anything about masks in there.” 

“Are you deaf? It says powers not specified in the Constitution are reserved to the people. That plainly means I have a right, as a people, to not wear a mask. The right to not have to do anything I don’t want to do. And also, the right to do anything I want to do. It’s right there.” 

“That doesn’t leave out much, does it, in terms of what you want or don’t want to do, does it? I guess you do have the right to walk around naked in public, then?” 

Jack wrinkled his brow and thought for a moment, then said “By God, you’re right!”  

He ran naked out of the house yelling, “Free at last! Free at last!”  

***  

Later that evening, Jack sat naked in jail, wearing a mask, and asked to be represented by a constitutional lawyer. 

Copyright © Johnny Clack 2022