Friends, we gather today at the God, Guns, and Patriots Rally in Dallas, Texas, to celebrate our most precious freedom – the constitutional freedom not to wear a mask during a pandemic, and in remembrance of Ashli Babitt, who gave her very life in defense of her right not to wear a mask. Yes, she was a woman, but the point is she was a white woman who was not wearing a mask when she was killed at the Capitol building during the patriotic January 6 rally in Washington DC, citadel of freedom haters.
Let me tell you what a joy it is to look out onto an overflow sea of red MAGA hats over maskless faces – it’s like patriotism times two! It is a little-known fact that the attempt to overturn the election of Joe Biden was the secondary objective of the rio … I mean prote … I mean tourism at the Capitol that day. The primary objective was the preservation of our God-given rights to not wear a mask during a pandemic. God-given because the Bible tells us in the Book of Matthew, Jesus condemned the Pharisees for wearing masks. The freedom of not wearing masks is right up there with the 2nd Amendment if not greater than. After all, a mask might slip or loosen or itch or otherwise may hinder your ability to shoot traitors like Nancy Pelosi or Mike Pence.
Now to be sure, a lot of patriots died in the cause of not wearing masks that day by … well, by not wearing masks. But that’s another topic for another day.
Let us summon history in our cause, and none of that Critical Race Theory crap. We’re not a racist country, never have been, never will be. Those slaves were HAPPY! And well-taken care of!
The Declaration of Independence declares the just causes which compelled the colonies to separate themselves from England, the first of which was The Crown requiring them to wear masks to keep the British troops from catching cold from the colonists. The Boston Massacre happened because defiant colonists refused to wear masks in the face of the bayonets of British soldiers pointed at them. For this, Crispus Attucks gave his life. He was a mix of African and Indian blood, but still, he gave his life for white men’s freedoms and that’s what’s important.
Now onto the glorious Constitutional Convention in Philadelphia. Fifty-five white men gathered in the sweltering heat and close quarters of the Pennsylvania State House at a time when infectious diseases were not well understood. Diseases such as smallpox, scarlet fever, measles, influenza, and yellow fever decimated large swaths of the population in Pennsylvania in the late 1700s. But did the brave patriots at the convention wear masks? The answer is a resounding NO! So well understood was the relation between liberty and freedom of the nose and mouth that it was scarcely mentioned!
Now the Anti-federalists refused to ratify the Constitution unless provision was made securing the liberties of the people. To that end, amendments were proposed for the Constitution and ten were passed which we are all so familiar with as the guarantees of our liberty.
One amendment was proposed by Richard Henry Lee of Virginia as follows: “Congress shall make no law abridging the freedom of the noses and the mouths of white men with property.”
The proposal was vigorously debated on the floor. Richard Henry Lee held forth that no liberty could be attained without the liberty to breathe and to speak. James Madison retorted that the new nation’s preeminent scientist and resident of this very city of Philadelphia, Dr. Benjamin Rush, had conducted several rigorous experiments demonstrating that various kinds of fabrics did not inhibit breathing or speech. Rufus King of Massachusetts thundered that the freedom of nose and mouth was so well understood as to render the amendment fatuous and unnecessary. On such grounds, the amendment was narrowly defeated.
Well, I say it’s time to revie that amendment and pass it this time!
(Cheers and applause)
And so, the nation grew into a great power unabated by masks. Our brave pioneers fulfilled our Manifest Destiny by relentlessly pushing the country’s boundaries west to the Pacific, south to the Rio Grande, and north to the 49th parallel – without masks! Have you noticed the only wearers of masks were Mexican bandidos? Our mighty factories were worked by children and our great textile industry by immigrant women laboring in extremely dusty conditions – without masks! All hail the unremarked on freedom of multitudinous noses and mouths in the making of this great nation!
Only the mustard gases of World War I and the cruel necessities of imperialism impelled the use of prophylactic masks worn by the men fighting to preserve the freedoms of our noses and mouths!
And yet here we are faced with tyrannical governments – local, state, and federal – demanding we wear masks because of a so-called pandemic, smothering our precious freedoms on the slippery slope to authoritarianism, a power rightfully reserved to our one and only true President – Donald J. Trump! Stop the Steal!
And so let us all stand as one and shout in unison – Give us facial freedom or give us death!
The crowd indeed stood as one shouting at the top of their lungs “Give us facial freedom or give us death!” as red, white, and blue balloons drifted down from the rafters and speakers blared forth the Star-Spangled Banner!
And this is how dozens of attendees came to the pay the ultimate price for the freedom of their noses and mouths.
Let us now bow our heads in prayer.
Copyright © Johnny Clack 2022
Short Shorts 