From Columbus to the Civil War
In Accordance with Texas Law
(4) a teacher, administrator, or other employee of a … state agency, school district, or open-enrollment charter school may not: …(B) require or make part of a course the concept that: …
(vi)an individual, by virtue of the individual ’s race or sex, bears responsibility for actions committed in the past by other members of the same race or sex;
Texas House Bill 3879 – AN ACT relating to the social studies curriculum in public schools.
In America every man is free
To take care of his home and his family
You’ll be as happy as a monkey in a monkey tree
You’re all gonna be an American
Sail away
Sail away
We will cross the mighty ocean into Charleston Bay
Randy Newman – Sail Away
Introduction
We at Dogge & Poni Publishing Inc are proud to submit to the Texas School Board of Education The New, Revised History of the United States textbook for consideration. In it, you will find the same excellent history you have come to expect from us, with revisions necessary to come into compliance with the state’s latest requirements. This paper demonstrates how we have adapted the textbook to meet the requirements for selected episodes in our history in a manner that nobody ever need feel bad about it.
Christopher Columbus
In 1492, Christopher Columbus landed on an island in the Caribbean, which he named San Salvador. He thought he was in India, not America which had yet to be named. The natives on the island greeted him and his crew with hospitality and nudity. He proclaimed they were now the subjects of King Ferdinand and “met with no opposition” in his own words. The priest on the mission waved his hands in the sign of the cross and converted them all to Christianity. The natives, called Tainos, who did not speak Spanish. all smiled and nodded, signaling that they were indeed happy to be the King’s subjects and Christians.
The initial pleasantries over with, Columbus asked, “Now, where’s the gold? We would also you to lead us to spices like cumin, coriander, ginger, garlic. Here is a list 24 spices for you to find for us. But mainly gold, we want you to find the gold first.” The Taino happily labored exhaustively in the mines to find gold for the King. They also contracted European diseases for which they had no immunities, but they died happily knowing they were Christians.
The Spanish in the New World
Spaniards soon came to realize that Columbus had discovered a “New World” despite the millions of people who already lived there. Spanish explorers – Hernando De Soto, Juan Ponce De Leon, Hernando Cortez, Francisco Coronado, and others – adopted the template Columbus had established in his voyages to the “New World.” They wandered the South and Southwest of what was to become the United States, providing valuable maps and shaping European understanding of the North American continent.
Like Columbus, when they encountered natives in their explorations, after a few introductory pleasantries, they would ask “Now, where’s the gold and spices? But mainly the gold. Find the gold first.” They did not find any gold, but undeterred, they would find productive work for the natives to do and convert them to Christianity. Like Columbus, they introduced European diseases to the natives, but they died happily knowing they were Christians.
1619
Africans in the New World
When enterprising Portuguese merchants told the people of Africa about the riches to be had in the New World, 19 adventurous Africans signed up to find out for themselves. After enjoying a safe and leisurely cruise with hospitable hosts across the Atlantic, they landed in Jamestown, Virginia. The colonists there graciously offered them gainful employment in the tobacco trade – planting seeds, cultivating crops, harvesting the crops, drying and curing the leaves, bundling them together, and loading the finished product on ships sailing to Europe. They worked hard and slept peacefully at night.
As word about their employment spread back in Africa, many others volunteered to find their own way in the colonies.
The Boston Massacre
British soldiers showed up on a snowy night in 1770 to protect patrons enjoying a convivial evening in a Boston tavern. The tavernists came out to greet them when an accidental discharge of a musket regrettably killed Crispus Attucks, a man of African and indigenous heritage. In the confusion that followed, other tavernists lost their lives. Ever since, Americans have celebrated their African and indigenous heroes with statues and ceremonies.
The Declaration of Independence
The First Continental Congress approved the Declaration of Independence, written July 4, 1776, by Thomas Jefferson, kindly informing the King of England of the reasons why the colonists wished to form their own nation after two hundred years. In it, Jefferson stated that all men are created equal, and he really meant it too, at least as it related to white men with property. Over the course of United States history, people who were not white, nor property owners, nor even men, took it very seriously too, staking their own claims to equality. It took some time to work all this out but now everyone considers themselves the equal of everyone else without controversy.
The War for Independence
King George III politely declined the colonists petition for independence whereupon both sides sadly engaged in war. George Washington was appointed Commander of the colonial forces and he won the war by riding across the freezing Delaware river while standing up in a boat, among other things, such as hiring the Prussian general Friedrich Wilhelm August Heinrich Ferdinand von Steuben
Washington wisely shortened the general’s name to Baron von Steuben. The Baron, a homosexual, sternly disciplined the ragtag colonial recruits who warmly embraced him in return. The professionalism instilled in the new army by The Baron enabled it, under Washington’s leadership, to defeat the even more sternly disciplined British troops, who were mercenary German Hessians that really did not care all that much about King George III. Ever since, Americans have celebrated their homosexual heroes with statues and ceremonies.
The Constitutional Convention
After winning the war, the colonists formed a government under the Articles of Confederation which favored the states over the central government. That did not work out very well for a variety of reasons. A Constitutional Convention to reform the Articles of Confederation in Philadelphia wound up creating a new form of government under an entirely new Constitution.
A representative body of 55 wealthy landowning white males met in secret during the sweltering summer of 1787. James Madison of Virginia took copious notes, which is why we now know that they mainly argued and argued over every topic presented, then argued some more and re-argued the few issues that they thought had been settled, then argued some more. Americans have adopted this model for meetings ever since.
Exhausted, they finally finalized and approved the new Constitution in September just to get the damn thing over with and presented it to the states for approval. The states argued and argued and argued some more, finally ratifying the new Constitution by the requisite nine of 13 states in 1788.
The new Constitution created a much stronger central government than before, and everyone has been happy with it ever since. Because of the precise language of the document, no issues have arisen since its adoption.
The Trail of Laughter
Five “Civilized Tribes” – Cherokee, Creek, Seminole, Choctaw, and Chickasaw – occupied Southeastern United States when white settlers started coming in increasing numbers in the early 1800s. From the tribes’ point of view, the new people coming into their land had peculiar attitudes toward “property” and “gold.” The white people fingered gold like obsessed monkeys and claimed vast tracts of land to “settle” on under a single “owner.” No amount of either land of gold seemed to satisfy them. They kept coming in ever greater and greater numbers.
The leaders of the tribes had a powwow with “The Great White Father,” President Andrew Jackson. After smoking great quantities of tobacco, the parties came to a cordial and amical agreement that the Great White Father called the “Removal Act of 1830.” The tribal leaders were grateful to cede their lands because it brought the white settlers such happiness.
The tribes left for new adventures in the wide-open spaces east of the Mississippi River. Along the way, the tribes laughed and were merry in anticipation of settling in a new, wondrous place. The whites they left behind laughed and were merry to see them go.
Sectional Differences
Over the course of the early 19th century, two distinctly different economies arose in the new nation. The northern states’ economy increasingly centered on newly emerging forms of manufacturing and commerce.
In the early 19th century, Francis Lowell visited England to study its burgeoning textile industry. Blessed with a photographic memory, he copied their techniques back in Massachusetts and created the first United States industry, textile manufacturing. Young farm girls from all around Lowell, Massachusetts to work for less wages than men would take in his factory. This established the model for Northern, and later, American industry – paying the lowest possible wage paid to marginalized communities. It was a smashing success. Two hundred years later, American corporations adopted this model on a global scale.
In 1792, Eli Whitney invented the cotton gin, which mechanized the separation of seeds from the cotton boll, speeding up the processing of cotton in preparation for textile mills to spin the cotton into cloth. With its climate well suited to growing cotton, the Southern states became an agriculture-based economy. With tobacco production waning, descendants of Africans, now known as Negroes, saw new and expanding opportunities for employment and rushed to the South to fill the growing demand for labor. In return, their employers paid them with room and board and, sometimes, health care.
The difference between the two rapidly expanding economies led to the single – nay, the only – dispute in United States history. That is to say, the dispute over tariffs. The Northern states wanted high tariffs (taxes on imported goods) to protect their newly emerging industries, while the Southern states wanted to no tariffs to lower the cost of luxury goods that were cheaper when imported from Europe.
Despite many cordial meetings in mahogany paneled rooms where their disputes were discussed in gentlemanly fashion and not a few were resolved by duels, the two sides agreed to disagree and concurred that their differences were irreconcilable. That being the case, South Carolina drew up a statement of secession, followed in succession by ten other states, who altogether formed the Confederate States of America in 1861. President Abraham Lincoln begged to differ and suckered the Confederates into firing on Union ships at Fort Sumter and thus began the:
War Between the States
The Northern states won.
Summary
We trust the SBOE finds our new, revised history of the United States satisfactory and wholly unobjectionable. Enclosed is an undisclosed amount of cash for your further consideration.
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