Joleen Confesses Her Love for Real Housewife Vicki
When Jack got home after work, he found Joleen still in her robe and slumped in the La-Z Boy just like he left her. Highly irregular, he thought. She was usually bustling about busily tidying up and working on her arts and crafts projects or watching the Real Housewives of Orange County. She tried to get him to watch the series with her once, but it was just too stupid for him – a thought he kept to himself.
“Hi hon! Are you okay?”
“Yes … well. Jack, do you think I’m crazy?”
“Why would I think that? Are you sure you’re okay? Are you sick?”
“I’m not sick. So, you do think I’m crazy?” She almost wished he’d say yes.
“Oh God, no. You’re probably just feeling run-down, you work so hard at a stressful job. Didn’t you take someone’s twelve-hour shift yesterday? Seven days straight you’ve worked. You just rest up and I’ll go make my world-famous homemade Chicken Noodle Soup for the Soul.”
“I’m not really hungry, but okay.” Joleen thought, well, he does make good soup, maybe that will do it. She ate it and went to bed early. She slept fitfully with lucid dreams about Jack falling off the roof, about Jack and his precious motor oils, about Jack in the hospital, about Jack and his silly rhymes, about Jack getting kicked out of the church’s Bible, Guns and Ammo Fellowship, and certainly not least about his everlasting erection. When she woke up, she looked for it – still gone. Dammit.
Jack woke up, yawned, stretched and reached for Joleen, but she had already gotten up. He thought, poor dear, she had had such a rough week. He put on his robe and went to find her in the La-Z boy just rocking back and forth, back and forth.
“Hi hon. You feeling better today? You don’t look so good. You’re not working today, are you?”
“Huh? Oh, no, not working today. You just go on ahead to work. I’ll be … um, okay.”
Jack returned home after work to find Joleen still in her robe, still in the La-Z Boy recliner, with the intro to The Real Housewives of Orange County blaring on the TV.
“Uh, hi, hon, doing any better now? Rested up, I hope?”
Joleen swiveled the chair to him and sputtered, “She’s right! Vicki’s right! If it’s not one bitch, it’s another! They’re always piling up on her and it’s never her fault! It’s always their fault! Always!” She started tearing up.
“There, there, I’m sure it’s not all that bad” he said as he walked toward her and hugged her. “Let me go get changed and then we can talk about it, okay?”
Truth was, Jack dreaded talking with Joleen when she got emotional, which thankfully did not happen very often. But listen he must. And that damn Real Housewives show. He gutted it out watching two or three episodes with her and all he could see was a couple of the women would have a fight, then they’d kiss and make up and gossip about the other women, then have a wild party during which another couple of them would start a new fight then a few days later kiss and make up, gossip about the other women, then plan a trip with a some of the others to an exotic locale, when they should be going to exotic locales to get the hell away from one another. And so on.
He changed into shorts, flip flops, and a Jack Daniels t-shirt, went into the living room and sat on the couch across from her. Stay focused! Stay engaged!
“So, shall we talk about it?”
Joleen sniffled, “So Vicki heard a rumor from a gay man that Tamra’s husband is gay and he’s a personal trainer with tight buns so that sounds right and spreads the rumor around and it gets back to Tamra and her husband Gary who’s been diagnosed with a heart condition and they get all mad and everything so Vicki makes up with them at a lunch, sniffling and reading verses she copied from the Bible and confessing to all her sins and then tells them it’s really their fault and all this was right after Vicki had a huge fight with Kelly because Vicki and her boyfriend Steve who by the way is dragging his feet on proposing to her, anyway, they go on a double date with Kelly’s ex-husband and his new girlfriend which gets back to Kelly and …”
Jack drifted away…was it chance or fate that brought them together in first-class seats on the flight to Nashville, him and Taylor Swift? He was on a business trip. It was unmistakably her, the hair, the bright red lips. They struck up a conversation. They laughed and giggled all the way and she opened up to him about the fakery of celebrity, the shallowness, how much she hated Kanye, the men who wanted your body AND your money, and how nice it was to just have a normal conversation with an ordinary, everyday kind of guy on a plane. She touched his hand. His head swam. He swallowed hard and asked her …
`” JACK! You’re not listening, are you?” Joleen said in the same accusatory tone she always used when she said that. She had turned off the TV.
Jack swallowed hard. “Huh? Oh, sure I was.” He knew he’d have to do some real quick thinking right away.
“So, who was in the last scene before I turned off the TV?”
“Vicki and Tamra.” They had been on the show the longest, he knew from Joleen. They were on the episodes he watched, always fighting then making up.
“Hmmm, well, yes. And Shannon She’s the newest cast member. You probably didn’t recognize her.”
“Yes. I mean no.”
“And where were they?”
“At some exotic location. Sorry, I didn’t recognize it.” He remembered from the episodes he watched that the women were always going off to fancy retreats to get away from their hard lives. God, how much money did these women have? Earlier in the episode, Tamra had complained about moving to a mere 4,000 sq ft house.
“Yes, it was Puerto Valley-something in Mexico. Anyway, so they got so drunk one night and the next day they counted they had 15 shots of Tequila and Tamra popped her top to show her boobs at this bar famous for that and she did it way too many times if you ask me, well, Vicki is way too much of a lady to do that and Shannon was too self-conscious for that so they went back to their fancy hotel and Tamra got naked and jumped in a fancy spa and begged the other women to …”
“Joleen! Joleen! I’m sorry, I’m really hungry. How about I go make us some dinner?”
“Dinner? I just realized I haven’t eaten all day!” She followed Jack into kitchen. “Anyway, so where was I? Oh, yeah, Tamra was all naked and Shannon finally stripped down to her bra and panties and jumped into the spa…”
Jack concentrated really hard on making the dinner.
~~~
The next morning, Jack found Joleen in her robe in the La-Z Boy watching the Real Housewives.
“Um, don’t you need to go to work today?”
“Oh, I called in sick.”
“Are you running a fever? Achy? Chills, shivers? Anything I can do for you?”
“No, I’m … I just need a little more rest. I’ll be okay.”
“You need anything, just call me at the office. There’s still some of my world famous Chicken Noodle Soup for the Soul in the fridge, you know. Bye.”
“Bye.”
When Jack arrived home later that afternoon, he found Joleen still in her robe, still in the La-Z boy, crying. “Joleen! What’s wrong, baby?”
“I can’t hold it in any longer, Jack!” she sobbed. “I’m in love with Vicki!”
“Vicki?”
Jack stood motionless in the doorway a few seconds, stunned. Then he said, “Wait, what? Vicki? Who’s Vicki? When did you find out you were gay?”
Joleen crumpled down in her chair, looking defeated. “Oh Jack, I’m not gay, How ridiculous, I’ve never been gay, you should know that. Vicki’s on the show, how could I be in love with her, just a pixilated image on the screen. I think I just had a nervous breakdown.”
Jack felt relief, concern, and confusion all at once. Maybe she did have a nervous breakdown, but now she looked terribly vulnerable and even lonely. He went over, picked her up out of the chair, wiped the tears from her eyes, moved her to the couch and sat down beside her. “Joleen, what is with that show? I don’t understand.”
Jack stayed up all that night talking with, or rather listening to, Joleen. At first, she spoke of her addiction to the Real Housewives of Orange County and her fascination with Vicki, of how she became so invested in their lives, their glitz, their glamour, their fabulous getaways, their divorces, their new boyfriends, their squabbles, their foibles, everything.
“Oh, Jack, just listen to me go on and on about these silly women. The more I talk about them, the more I realize how dumb they are. Especially Vicki! I’m becoming my Mom with her stupid soap operas. I really am crazy, using the shows as an excuse trying to avoid … “She abruptly stopped mid-sentence, tears filling her eyes again.
“Avoid what, sweetheart? You’ve been so distant lately. It’s not good sitting around all day in your robe staring at the TV. You really will go crazy if you keep on doing this. What’s going on? What are you trying to avoid? Talk to me.”
Copyright © Johnny Clack 2022
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