Regarding Confidential Documents
Johnny Clack (ret.)
For Immediate Release
On Monday, January 23, 2023, I cleaned out the kitty litter box in my home office. When I dumped the litter, a document fell out. Despite being soiled, I could make out the words “Classified – Top Secret” in large red letters at the top of the document.
I immediately put on rubber gloves, picked up the document, placed it in the bottom of the box, then scooped up the dumped litter and returned it to the box to preserve the original state as closely as possible for forensic analysis.
I have nine cats and thus have several kitty litter boxes throughout the house. I left all as is and immediately called the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI).
FBI agents came to the house and interviewed me regarding the cats’ behavior. Among other things, I informed them of Siamese cats in the neighborhood.
The agents conducted a thorough search of the house and found five more documents marked Classified – Top Secret. They secured all six kitty litter boxes and took them for forensic analysis at a lab.
The agents also herded all nine cats who are being held for desecration of official government documents and for questioning regarding their interactions with the Siamese cats.
I am fully cooperating with the special counsel assigned by the Attorney General to this case, Mr. Arnold Benedict
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