Speaker Devin McNoodle was playing computer solitaire when his secretary, Bessie Bussle, startled him by opening the door to his office and announced he had a phone call.
“A phone call, really? For me? It’s been a long time, Bessie, a long time.”
“It sure has, Mr. Mcnoo … I mean, Speaker McNoodle, it sure has,” Bessie giggled and shut the door.
“United States Congressional House Speaker Devin McNoodle speaking. How can I help you?”
“Speaker? Oh yeah, Speaker McNoodle. Turns out we could use you now,” CIAWDL committee chairperson Gym Jordache whined.
Jordache, the slimy bastard, thought McNoodle. He now regretted all the power he yielded to get the votes he needed for his lifelong dream to become Speaker of the House only to end up playing computer solitaire in his office. Still, he was encouraged to think now he might actually get to do something.
“Okay, what is it, Gym?” McNoodle suddenly got nervous. Why now, all of a sudden?
Jordache cleared his throat. “Well, uh, you remember how we promised to hold raising the national debt ceiling hostage unless we got a balanced budget in return? Well, ok, we, um, need to come up with spending cuts to, you know, balance the budget, to look like we’re, you know, somehow serious about it.”
“Have you completely lost your mind, Gym? Hell, you know we can’t put real numbers to that, that would be political suicide!”
“Ok, ok, Devin, you’re right, but just between us girls, you and I both know the Senate Republican pussies would never go along with whatever numbers we put together. They’ll give us cover and we’ll just blame the Democrats and the President like we would do anyway.”
“Oh great. We are all fighting among ourselves and now we will be pissing off our Senate colleagues. Brilliant.”
“Oh hell, Devin, it’s not about the numbers, never was. It’s all about the messaging.”
“Hey, wait a minute, wise guy, you wanted all this power, why don’t you lead…”
“House Caucus is meeting tomorrow. Be there.” Jordache abruptly hung up the phone.
Devin McNoodle knew this was a hopeless task, but he was desperate to demonstrate any kind of relevance. He is, after all, the Speaker of the House.
~~~
Gym Jordache stood up to initiate the Budget Truth and Reconciliation (BUTAR) caucus meeting. “Fellow Republicans, you may remember Devin McNoodle, the Speaker of the House.” Jordache stepped aside.
Speaker McNoodle cleared his throat in the deathly silence of the caucus room. “Okay, we promised the American people we would produce a balanced budget for the first time in, well, forever. It is no easy task, as I am sure you know, but we will extort…that is, use the opportunity to get a balanced budget in exchange for our vote to raise the national debt ceiling.”
Crickets.
“Uh, okay. Moving forward – we know by far the largest budget expenditures are for defense. Social Security and Medicare…”
Texas Republican Clip Wray stood up and said, “Speaker, are you aware of the demographics of our constituents, also known as ‘people who vote’? You know damn well they’re older people who vote for us and you know damn well we cannot cut Social Security and Medicare!”
“Don’t you dare kill my Granny!” somebody yelled. A worried murmuring swept the room.
“Speaker! Speaker! I demand recognition!” yelled Katy Armour of Texas, chairperson of the powerful Appropriations Committee. “There is NO WAY in hell are we going to cut defense spending. No fucking way!”
Somebody yelled “NIMDI!” Another person picked it up, then another, and soon the entire caucus erupted in cries of “NIMDI! NIMDI! NIMDI!”
Devin turned with a puzzled look to Gym, who whispered “not in my district – NIMDI.” McNoodle still looked puzzled, so Gym clarified, “No reduction in defense spending in any member’s district.”
Speaker McNoodle called for quiet in the room and the shouting eventually died down. “Okay, I guess defense, Social Security, and Medicare are off the table. Look people, we have got to start somewhere – how about eliminating all spending for wokeism and critical race theory?” He was sure no one would object to this.
But the room was quiet. Finally, Katy Armour of Appropriations spoke up. “Well, sir, I’m sorry but there are no line items in the budget for wokeism or critical race theory,” then she started laughing hysterically and soon the whole room joined her in the laughter.
Exasperated now, Speaker McNoodle said, “Ok, any of you wise guys got any suggestions?”
Nat Nutz stood up and said, “Come on now, everybody knows you balance the budget by reducing or, better yet, eliminating taxes for the wealthy!” Wild applause broke out.
Before he could stop himself, Speaker McNoodle said, “That’s not exactly how it’s worked out in the past,” and immediately regretted it because he knew what would come next.
Sure enough, Lorry Burpart stood up and yelled, “I call for a vote of no confidence on whether Mr. McNoodle can remain speaker!”
Maggie Tyler Blue rushed up to her, knocked her down and yelled, “Meet me in the ladies’ room after this, bitch!”
Pandemonium broke out in the room with yelling, shoving, and fistfights. Speaker McNoodle called in the capitol police and once again, they were pleased to know that they were only dealing with a bunch of doddering old fools.
When order was restored, Nat Nutz stood up and said, “I second the motion to call for a vote of confidence on Speaker McNoodle.” Without even a call for a vote, all the members stood up and shouted “Aye!” and the motion was carried.
“Uh, you do know we have to vote on this before the full House?” Speaker McNoodle said, weeping.
“Bring it on!” yelled Lorry Burpart.
***
On the House floor, the vote of confidence in Speaker McNoodle dragged on much as it had before – vote after vote after vote after vote. The Democrats held firm, offering no relief to the Republicans, and delighting in their dysfunction.
This time, McNoodle had no concessions to offer the Liberty Caucus members refusing to vote for him – he had already given everything away the first time.
The House could conduct no business as the voting continued round after round after round. While the stalemate continued, no vote could be taken on raising the national debt ceiling. By early summer, the extraordinary measures undertaken to manage spending in the absence of raising the ceiling had run their course.
The United States defaulted on the debt for the first time in its history. Standard and Poor’s credit rating for US bonds declined from AAA to BB. The Treasury Department started pro-rata payment cuts for all government obligations, spreading chaos throughout all sectors of the world economy.
Still the votes for confidence in the Speaker went on and on.
And that’s how the global economy collapsed.
Lorry Burpart and Maggie Tyler Blue held their death match in the ladies’ room. We are still awaiting the outcome.
Copyright © Johnny Clack 2022
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