Informed Consent

Jack planted his feet firmly and sat up straight. He knew he had to get it right this time. 

He had played over and over again the last time he tried to get close to Joleen Javanovich with her creamy skin, sapphire blue eyes, wavy black hair, firm thighs, secret breasts, and a slight gap between her two front teeth that drove him crazy. She had smiled sexily at him, or so thought, once or twice.  

Jack and Joleen had a deadly boring Government class together. He had spoken shyly to her a couple of times before class, hemming and hawing and sputtering in her awesome presence. Nevertheless, she had smiled at him sexily once or twice, or so he though. 

 One day after class, he saw her on a park bench and ever so casually went to sit on the opposite side from her. Ever so casually, he had slowly scooted across a park bench to get close to her when she wiggled and suddenly offered him a peppermint. That wiggle – he took that as a cue to reach around her back to reach for the peppermint and draw her close to him, but instead she jumped up suddenly, looked at her watch and breathlessly said she was late for an appointment, even though he had noticed her watch earlier stuck on flashing 12:00 12:00 12:00 12:00 12:00 … 

An engineering student, he hypothesized and ran multiple regressions with algebraic anxieties, polyamorous polynomials, sweaty coefficients, square ruts, and equilateral erections followed by Euclidean ejaculations, and came up with “Me Too.” 

Of course. In the Life Skills class, women shared stories of brutes, bosses, troglodytes, hypocrites, and fools fumbling, groping, slobbering, and lunging after the most cursory of kisses on dates or even when just alone with them. After rejection, they threatened reprisal, retribution, and ruination. Even normally shy guys and socially inept nerds tried to mask their insecurities by becoming pathetically assertive when alone with women. Knowing he was a socially inept nerd, Jack guessed he had been pathetically assertive with Joleen.  

One day in the class, the instructor paired the students off for an excruciatingly uncomfortable role-playing game in which the goal was for one partner to gain informed consent for sex with the other. Jack couldn’t look at his partner in the eyes, Jessica, nor she in his. He mumbled “Wanna have sex?” She mumbled back, “Yeah, whatever.” Then they both raised their hands to signify they were done before shuffling away from a couple next to them who looked like they had started well on their way past the consent part to the sex part, the girl’s sweater having slipped off one shoulder, exposing a bra strap. Everyone felt relieved when time was called so they wouldn’t have to see how that ended. 

His consciousness raised about the MeToo movement now, he knew he had to switch tactics. He followed her a few days later to the library where he ran into her accidentally on purpose. Literally ran into her, which caused to her drop her books. He gallantly picked them up and offered to buy her coffee by way of apology. 

So now, here he was, the engineering student who would be ecstatic with just a kiss, really, seated with his laptop across from his joy, Joleen Jovanovich, in the coffee shop of the library. He took a sip of his coffee and gathered up his courage. 

“So, ah, Jo … Joleen, well, ah you know, the bench the other day …” 

“Oh that!” she chirped. “Well I really did have to go, you know.” 

“Oh yeah – where?” 

“Where? Oh, you know” 

“No. You didn’t say.” 

“Really? No? Um, well, hair appointment.” 

“Really? Your hair doesn’t look any different.” 

“It doesn’t? Oh, just a trim and a tuck. It may not look like it, but these things, even the little things, are important to a girl when it comes to her hair.” 

“Well…” Jack hesitated a little, then plowed ahead. “I’m sorry. I reached my arm around and even if you had to go all of a sudden, I should have asked for informed consent.” 

“Huh, informed consent?” She looked surprised.  

“Oh yeah, now I know I should have asked for informed consent first. How stupid of me. I have here a form…” 

“A form?” 

Jack, the engineering student, began reading it to her: 

“I, Jack Lack, do forthwith state that I do adore you and do desire limited physical contact to begin with, with you and having thus informed you, do seek your informed consent to acknowledge affirmatively said adoration and desire and furthermore your informed consent, should you concur, to me putting my arms around you. If pleasurable feelings of said hug are reciprocal, subsequent and further exploration of physical intimacy such as nuzzling, kissing, and fondling shall take place only upon your informed consent upon execution of separate and discrete signed agreements per physical contact pursuant to this if positively affirmed. See glossary of key terms, such as nuzzling and fondling” 

Jack wasn’t a lawyer nor was he much of a writer. 

“Joleen, you can look this document over on my laptop, and if you agree to this, you could do that now with an e-signature. I’ve built that capability right into the form. Or if you want, you can take a printout with you and review it with your lawyer. Either way.” 

Even as he read the form to her, he heard some stifled giggling. He finally raised his eyes from the laptop to meet hers.  

Joleen couldn’t help herself. She started laughing, softly at first then louder and louder until she was outright guffawing and snorting, tears rolling down her cheeks. Finally, she caught her breath and wiped the tears from her eyes. She stood up, walked over to Jack, took his head in her hands and kissed him full on the lips and said, “Call me, ya big dope,” grabbed her books and walked away. 

Copyright © Johnny Clack 2022