The Perfect Christian Wife

Per the usual custom, Pastor Bathos greeted his congregants as they exited The Church of The Annunciation after the service. 

“Great sermon on The Perfect Christian Wife!” exulted Jack Lack as he eagerly pumped the Pastor’s hand. “Remind me what Bible chapter it was based on again?” 

“Proverbs 31 – it’s there in the program you have in your hand. And here comes your perfect Christian wife, I see!” he exclaimed as he turned to Joleen. 

“Pastor,” Joleen said noncommittally, not looking at him as she passed. 

“And here’s Sister Reemer!” he beamed as she dropped to her knees, as usual the last in line. 

“Babe … I mean Pastor, may I speak so to speak to you in your office now? I can’t wait any longer. I need to sin and make a confession as usual.” 

“Sure, swe…uh, Sister! Looking forward to another spiritual renewal with you!” the Pastor exclaimed. “After all, sin is precursor to forgiveness.’ 

~~~ 

Jack and Joleen settled into their maroon Chevy Malibu for the ride home. 

“What a sermon!” Jack smiled at his beloved. “Hon, you’re a great wife and all, but how about we study up on that Proverbs 31 so you can become not just a great wife, but THE perfect wife!” 

“Well … okay, I guess. But nobody’s perfect.” 

“You will be! After lunch at Luby’s, let’s go home and each read it alone and then we can compare notes.” 

~~~ 

Once they got home, Jack and Joleen read Proverbs 31 separately as agreed on, then settled down at the kitchen table to begin the discussion. 

“Well, how about you start, darlin’? Jack offered. 

Joleen hemmed and hawed a bit, then said, “Don’t you think it’s a little strange about how the chapter starts off with the mother of King Lemuel telling him not to waste his strength on women who ruin kings? Then she tells him Kings shouldn’t get wasted on wine or beer, to leave that to the poor and anguished so they can forget their poverty? I need a glass of wine. You want a beer?” 

“Yes, thank you. Well, that’s only a third of the chapter and I certainly don’t need to remind you that you’re not the wife of a king, that’s for dang sure. Speaking of wine and beer, it says the wife of a noble character buys a field out of her own pocket and plants a vineyard for making the wine! So, she obviously also plants barley and hops to make the beer.  Pretty clear you’ll need to quit your lawyering to do all this.” 

“Ha! I guess this field is also where I’ll raise sheep and plant flax to make purple clothes for me and scarlet clothes for the family and sell linens in the market, which means we won’t start a family now if I have anything to say about it!” 

“Ha! The Bible says elsewhere that the wife must submit to the husband and be quiet about it.” 

“Where’s that?” 

“I’m sure it’s in there somewhere. I’ll ask Pastor Bathos about that.” 

“Oh, I’m like so sure you’re so sure about that! And just when am I supposed to sleep? Let’s recap. I’m supposed to raise sheep and plant flax; shave sheep and make wool from their hair, weave the wool and flax for linens, make clothes for everybody AND sell linens in the market; use my earnings to buy a field; cultivate a vineyard and raise barley and hops to make beer and wine for everybody; get up while it’s still night and make food for everyone, that is if I get to sleep at all! Is that the deal, mister?” 

“Well, you’ll have female servants.”  

“Oh, great, now and I’m supposed to feed them too?”

“Well, maybe they can do things for you.” 

“Like maybe service your tallywhacker because I’ll be way too tired for that, lord-a-mercy. And just what the hell is it YOU’RE supposed to do?” 

“Be careful! You’re supposed to bring me good and not harm for all my life.” 

“Proverbs 31, my fat ass. I’m about to bring you a world of hurt, boy.” 

“But…but…The Word of God!” 

Copyright © Johnny Clack 2022