Hold On Hold

Thank you for calling Acme Widget LLC. Your call is very important to us. These are perilous times we live in with COVID, climate change, and the end of democracy. You may not know that the widget industry is under siege due to environmental regulations, OSHA violations, and foreign competition, among other issues. We’d like to start with giving you an opportunity to donate to the Acme Widget LLC Super Pac to ensure legislative compliance with our agenda. 

Please listen carefully as our menu options have changed. Again. 

Press 1 to donate $10. 

Press 2 to donate $100. 

Press 3 to donate $1,000. 

Press 4 to donate $10,000. 

Press 5 to repeat these menu options. 

You have selected 2 for $100. We thank you for your generosity. Your account will be charged on a recurring monthly basis in perpetuity. 

In order to better serve you, please take the following IQ test to determine how we should direct your call. 

~~~Wordle~~~ 

Thank you. We have determined you to be slightly below average in intelligence.  

In order to better serve you, please select the accent that you have the least trouble understanding should you be transferred to an agent. 

Please listen carefully as our menu options have changed. Again. 

Press 1 for Indian. 

Press 2 for Asian. 

Press 3 for African. 

Press 4 for Spanish. 

Press 5 for Sri Lankan. 

Press 6 for Prison. 

Press 7 for other. 

You have selected 7 for other. 

Please note that most of your questions can be answered by visiting our website acmewidgets.com whenever it might be back up and running. 

`Please listen carefully as our menu has changed. Again. 

Press 1 if you are a customer having a problem with our widgets.  

Press 2 if you were having problems navigating our website when it was up and running.  

Press 3 if you have a contract issue with us. 

Press 4 for billing. 

Press 5 if you are asking why we have billed you multiple times for one order. 

Press 6 if you are law firm suing us. 

Press 7 if you are a creditor asking why we haven’t paid you in a timely manner. 

You have selected 1 for having problems with our widgets 

~ ~

Please listen carefully as our menu options have changed. Again. 

Please note: if you think our widgets have something to do with computers, please hang up and call Microsoft or Apple. 

Press 1 if you want to know what a widget is, anyway. 

Press 2 if you want to know how to use a widget. 

Press 3 if the widgets are defective. 

Press 4 if the widgets have damaged whatever it is you are using them for. 

You have selected 4 for widget damaging something. 

~  ~

Please listen carefully as our menu options have changed. Again. 

Press 1 if your widget caused a problem with a toaster. 

Press 2 if your widget interfered with your internet service. 

Press 3 if your widget caused your vacuum to lose suction. 

Press 4 if your widget caused coitus interruptus. 

Press 5 if your widget caused your washing machine to never end its spin cycle even after unplugging it. 

You have selected 1 for problem with toaster. 

~~ 

Please listen carefully as our menu options have changed. Again. 

Press 1 if your widget caused the toaster to change colors. 

Press 2 if your widget caused your bread to be burnt to a crisp.  

Press 3 if your widget caused your bread to never pop up and you had to dig the bread out with a knife. 

Press 4 if your widget burned the toaster itself as well as the toast. 

Press 5 if your widget caused the toaster to spark and burn down the kitchen. 

Press 0 if your widget caused some other problem and you will be transferred to a customer service agent. 

You have selected 0. To keep you engaged, we will tell little jokes from time to time while you are on hold. Very little jokes – BADABING! 

Your call is very important to us. All our agents are busy assisting other customers at this time. Please stay on the line and you will be transferred to the next available agent. Do not hang up. Hey, why haven’t you seen elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it! BOOM! 

(crappy Panflute music) 

Your call is very important to us. All our agents are busy assisting other customers at this time. Please stay on the line and you will be transferred to the next available agent. Hey, didja hear about the vacuum cleaner being sold because all it did was gather dust? <RIM SHOT!> 

(crappy Barry Manilow music) 

Your call is very important to us. All our agents are busy assisting other customers at this time. Please stay on the line and you will be transferred to the next available agent. Hey, didja hear about the kidnapping at school? The teacher woke him up! <CAR HONK!> 

(Song – Ice Ice Baby) 

Your call is very important to us. All our agents are busy assisting other customers at this time. Please stay on the line and you will be transferred to the next available agent.  Hey, didja know you can make holy water by boiling the hell out of it? <APPLAUSE> 

(Gregorian Chants) 

Your call is very important to us. We are experiencing exceptionally high call volume now. Please stay on the line and you will be transferred to the next available agent. Do not hang up. Hey, watch out for that grass, it’s full of blades! <GONG!> 

(song – Who Let The Dogs In, Woof! Woof!) 

Your call is very important to us. All our agents are busy assisting other customers at this time. Please stay on the line and you will be transferred to the next available agent. Hey, I childproofed my house but my kids still get in! <SPROING!> 

(song – Stayin’ Alive! Stayin’ Alive!) 

Your call is very important to us. All our agents are busy assisting other customers at this time. Please stay on the line and you will be transferred to ….. 

Hello? Hello? Anybody home? Thank hold long time. Long time. 

Hi. Yes, long long time. 

We sorry to find you problem. With toaster, yes? 

Yes. 

Pliss to call your name pliss. First first, last last. 

Uh – Jack Lack? 

Thank you pliss. Pliss to say credit card, pliss. 

Credit card? 

Yes, pliss. 

But … but … 

You no know credit card number, no? Yes? 

Well… 

Pliss to call back when find, yes. 

(*^%($*!&^%( 

No No No! Sir! I hear goddamn and asshole in all those bad words! Pliss to hold on hold transfer call to Riker’s Island Cell Block D Solitary 3, deal with rightly for bad words. 

Yo! You be beatin’ down on my sista, sista … well I can’t pronounce her name, but you know who I be talkin’ bout right? Now we be beatin’ down on you, cracker! See, what it is, is I got me some bros on the outside, know what I’m talkin’ bout? They got these switchblades so when they cut you once, you gone bleed twice! Now you best be givin’ me your credit card number, see, if you value your gizzards. Go ahead … 

*click* bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz 

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