Leaf Blowhards

August 6, 2021 

Shady Lane Homeowner’s Association 

666 River Oaks Drive 

Houston, Tx  77019 

To: Stetson McGrath 

       Owner, McGrath Lawn Maintenance Services 

Re: Excessive Noise By McGrath Lawn Maintenance Services Crews 

The Shady Lane Homeowners Association has received numerous complaints from our residents regarding excessive noise generated by your service crews, namely the noise generated by their leaf blowers. They are annoying enough during lawn mowing season. With fall approaching, that noise will ratchet up considerably.  

We pride ourselves on our great trees in Shady Lane: Nuttall Oaks, Drake Elms, Southern Magnolias, and Redbuds providing full canopies underneath which our rich thick Palmetto St. Augustine grass thrives, all of which adds richly to our property values. We also value our privacy and quiet spaces. This is why so many of our mansions are set well off streets behind ivy covered walls. The leaf blowers are noisy and distracting to our residents which include bankers, lawyers, architects, oil magnates, corporate administrators, tech innovators and other elite Houstonians, many of whom work from home on mergers and acquisitions, defending doctors and corporations from malpractice suits, drawing designs for ever bigger mega-mansions, planning hostile takeovers, engineering financial instruments to make money off of making money, lobbying for lower taxes, offshoring accounts for tax purposes, investing in politicians – in general, creating wealth for the wealthy, some of which trickles down to the likes of you and your crews. 

We kindly request other or quieter means of leaf and debris removal be used. 

Sincerely, 

Norma Jean Heuters 

President, Shady Lane Homeowners Association 

~~~ 

August 10, 2021 

Stetson McGrath 

McGrath Lawn Maintenance Services 

Dear Ms. Heuters, 

So you candy-assed rich people can’t handle a little noise while our crews remove your massive shitpiles of leaves and debris from mid-summer to late fall while you trickle down piss on us? What are we supposed to do – hand-curate them? Huff and puff and blow them away? Rake? Are you kidding? Have you not heard the saying that time is money? You know, economic efficiencies? As in using leaf blowers to provide lawn maintenance services most efficiently. You must not have any for-real economists in any of your mansions. 

You call sitting on your pampered asses typing on your computers working? Hell, you probably just dictate the stuff to automated intelligence applications that produce clean copy and got rid of annoying minimum wage humans. That is, when you’re not partying on your million-dollar yachts, schmoozing with legislators. You want to know what working is? Our crews are hauling balls from dusk to dawn in the stupefying heat and humidity of the hellhole that is Houston where the temperature can feel like 115 degrees in the shade in the summer.  

Hell, yes, they’re illegals, living ten to an apartment, sending money back to their families. You cheapshits got money flying out your wazoos but can’t spare a dime? Why do you think you get great service at a low, low price? Think we can get white pansies to do this work. Maybe, for half the hours and twice the price – but probably not.  

Oh, and now you know, it’s on the record. Wanna come after us? I can see the headlines now. RIVER OAKS HOMEOWNERS HIRE ILLEGAL ALIENS! 

Best,  

Stetson McGrath 

~~~ 

August 12, 2021 

Shady Lane Homeowner’s Association 

666 River Oaks Drive 

Houston, Tx 77019 

To: Stetson McGrath 

       Owner, McGrath Lawn Maintenance Services 

Re: Excessive Noise By McGrath Lawn Maintenance Services Crews 

Well, Sir! That was RUDE! You leave us no recourse but to advise our homeowners of the illegals your service uses and to recommend they hire others to do their lawn services legally.  A copy of your letter is being sent to all Shady Lane homeowners along with our strong recommendations. 

Sincerely, 

Norma Jean Heuters 

President, Shady Lane Homeowners Association 

~~~ 

August 15, 2021 

Stetson McGrath 

McGrath Lawn Maintenance Services 

Dear Ms. Heuters, 

What’s that acronym kids use on their phones? ROFLMAO? That’s what I did when I read your last letter – rolled on the floor laughing my ass off! Y’all want to use legal labor? Here’s another one – GLWT, meaning, GOOD LUCK WITH THAT! 

Best, 

Stetson McGrath 

~~~ 

November 9, 2021 

Stetson McGrath 

McGrath Lawn Maintenance Services 

Dear Ms. Heuters, 

Well, here it is early November – all the skies are gray, and the leaves are brown. I’ve been on a walk – in Shady Lanes, admiring the stellar work my crews are doing as usual. We pride ourselves on PROVIDING GREAT SERVICE at LOW, LOW PRICES and McGrath Lawn Maintenance Services has more business in the Shady Lanes than you can shake a stick at. Oh, and we separate sticks from leaves so we can compost them into fertilizer and mulch which we use in early spring for our customers.  You know, lowering prices and recycling to help the environment, all at bare subsistence wages.  

Oh, and how that’s search for lawn maintenance with legal workers going? We haven’t lost any business. In fact, gained some. 

I thought you might like to know I got a call from a Ms. Meriwether asking to suspend our services for her and a couple of neighbors until further notice. They planned on having their sons doing the work. I said sure, because I knew how that would end. 

Sure enough, I got another call from Ms. Meriwether asking to resume services in a couple of weeks. Seems she and friends decided to check in on the boys and their progress only to find them sitting on a bench, shin-deep in grass, beer cans all around, and texting. Ms. Meriwether swears she saw a female derriere on her son’s phone as she snuck up on him. The other moms reported seeing various parts of female anatomy on their own sons’ phones. They confronted the boys who said they were sexting … ahem … texting with their girlfriends. The women had them all kneel in a prayer circle and rededicate themselves to sobriety, abstinence, and Jesus. Long story short, we’re back in business with them.  

Best,  

Stetson McGrath 

~~~ 

November 13, 2021 

Shady Lane Homeowner’s Association 

666 River Oaks Drive 

Houston, Tx 77019 

To: Stetson McGrath 

       Owner, McGrath Lawn Maintenance Services 

Please be advised, sir, that we are in touch with the City of Houston regarding the city’s noise ordinance, which allows a maximum noise level of 65 Db. Police will be coming soon to Shady Lane neighborhood with noise meters.  

Sincerely, 

Norma Jean Heuters 

President, Shady Lane Homeowners Association 

~~~ 

November 15, 2021 

Stetson McGrath 

McGrath Lawn Maintenance Services 

Dear Ms. Heuters, 

Can you hear me laughing? No? Well, if you could, that’s about the noise level of 65dB.  

We have a permit with the City of Houston for noise levels up to 75dB. Our leaf blowers are  certified to be no louder than 74 dB. Do all us taxpayers a service and call off the police. Either way, we’re prepared for them, we’re prepared for them. 

Best. 

Stetson McGrath 

~~~ 

February 1, 2022 

Stetson McGrath 

McGrath Lawn Maintenance Services 

Dear Ms. Heuters, 

Pretty soon we’ll be starting up with early spring yard maintenance –cleaning, preparing flower beds, composting, mulching, trimming, sprucing, etc. We look forward to a great 2022, providing immaculate yard maintenance services to the wealthy of Shady Lanes! flower beds, composting, mulching, trimming, sprucing, etc. We look forward to a great 2022  providing immaculate yard maintenance services to the wealthy of Shady Lanes! 

Best, 

Stetson McGrath 

~~~ 

February 10, 2022 

Shady Lane Homeowner’s Association 

666 River Oaks Drive 

Houston, Tx 77019 

To: Stetson McGrath 

       Owner, McGrath Lawn Maintenance Services 

Re: Excessive Noise By McGrath Lawn Maintenance Services Crews 

We have advised our homeowners to stock up on ear plugs for 2022. 

Sincerely, 

Norma Jean Heuters 

President, Shady Lane Homeowners Association 

Copyright © Johnny Clack 2022