The Right Honorable Chief Justice Joe Bob Mullet entered the courtroom, chuckling, with his faithful bloodhounds Billy Bob and Bobby Jo on either side of him. When he reached his chair, he bent down and shushed them, whereupon they laid down and went to sleep like good dogs.
The next eight judges followed in order: Trish Hunt, Hoover McDowell, Bishop Nsense, Bobby Quew, Desiree Sway, Howell N. Wolf, Tina Dancer, and Handel N. Cash.
“Please be seated,” said Chief Justice Mullett and much chair scraping ensued.
‘Ok, so what we got here today – oh yeah, Allahu Akbar v. Texas. Hey, how’d this get on the docket?”
“Well, this case was appealed from the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals,” Hoover McDowell reminded the Chief Justice. “We voted to hear it last June.”
“Oh yeah,’ the Chief Justice groaned. Those bastards, always causing trouble. ‘Ok, then we will hear argument this morning in Case 29-2039, Allahu Akbar v. Texas.” He was already regretting the whisky shot contest he had last night with Justice Bobby Quew – that bastard always won.
~~~
Joe Bob Mullet wondered why the hell he ever took this job to begin with. He figured there would be perks like unlimited cheeseburgers, which there were, but he was beginning to wonder if it was worth all the hassle.
He got the job after President Trump in his second term declared himself Beloved Leader of the United States and the Republican Congress enshrined the title in law with virtually unlimited power. In his first act as Beloved Leader, he fired the entire Supreme Court for not endorsing his fraudulent election claims in 2020. His advisers convinced him he needed a Supreme Court, albeit a compliant one, composed of ordinary Americans that ordinary Americans like Trump voters could relate to, and not a bunch of stuffed shirts they couldn’t understand. On the advice of Stephen Miller, he appointed Joe Bob Mullett. Miller hunted illegal game on with Joe Bob on his very large Colorado ranch. Miller knew Joe Bob to be a dumbass who would do whatever was requested of him in return for unlimited cheeseburgers. It helped that Joe Bob donated millions to Trump and his various campaigns and “charities.”
Joe Bob insisted that he get to pick relatives for the other judges. To avoid the appearance of corruption, he compromised by selecting second and third cousins. The Republican Senate approved of all nine without hearings.
ORAL ARGUMENT OF SALID FAWAZ ON BEHALF OF PETITIONER
Mr. Fawaz: Mr. Chief Justice, and may it please the court:
The First Amendment of The Constitution begins with these words: Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof…
We Muslim Americans are grateful for the religious liberty…
Justice Wolf: Hold on, hold on there – did you say Muslim Americans? They ain’t no such thing…
Chief Justice Mullet: Now, Howell, you hold on. Let the … uh … Muslim finish.
Joe Bob had forgotten to tell the other Justices in conference not to get too excited, Mr. Miller had directed the decision be unanimous, 9-0, against the Muslims and the decision had already been written by the Federalist Society and they should all just shut up and sign it after the hearing.
Justice Hunt: I move we dismiss this case right now since it don’t have standing. She was real proud of herself for having just learned about “standing” in judicial terms, not the posture. Mr. Fawaz: May I remind the court that the issue of standing should have been decided prior to accepting the case for a hearing?
Chief Justice Mullett: Now, Trish, just why do you think the case don’t have no standing? And what is standing?
Justice Hunt: It just means Muslims can’t be heard in court on account of this is a Christian country. It says so in the Constitution.
Mr. Fawaz: I respectfully submit to the court that the word Christian is nowhere in the Constitution.
Justice McDowell: Yer shittin’ me, right?
Chief Justice Mullett: Aw, Hoover, I done warned you about that kind of language in this court before. Save it for the barnyard. You were saying, Mr. Fawaz?
Mr. Fawaz: I respectfully submit to the court that the First Amendment statement that Congress will make no law respecting the establishment of religion, meaning that Christianity nor any other religion can be made the official religion of the nation.
Justice Cash: Aw, that just means no protestant denomination can be made the official Christian religion, like Methodist, Baptist, Presbyterian, Anabaptist, and so on.
Justice Nsense: Excuse me? Catholics?
At the very back of the courtroom, Stephen Miller made an angry throat-slashing gesture, then a rolling-finger motion to indicate get on with it.
Chief Justice Mullett: Ahem, well, we’ll set aside for the rest of this hearing the fact that this is a Christian nation and proceed.
Mr. Fawaz: Thank you, Mr. Chief Justice. In fact, we are here requesting the same treatment the court has afforded a football coach, Joseph Kennedy, in the case of Kennedy vs. Bremerton School District. The issue in that case was whether the coach violated the First Amendment establishment clause by leading his team, the Knights, in Christian prayer at the middle of the field after a game had ended. The Bremerton School District determined he had violated its policy on not even having the appearance of endorsing a religion and fired him. The Petitioner in that case argued he was freely exercising his religion and his freedom of speech as allowed by the same First Amendment. The Court agreed with Mr. Kennedy and ruled in his favor.
In contrast, the soccer coach, Abdul Aziz of the Al-Noor High School Scimitars in Houston, Texas was fired for leading his team in reciting Allahu Akbar and bowing to the east after games. The school board felt pressured to fire him after Texas Attorney Ken Paxton threatened to sue the school for … well, because of the violation of the Establishment clause of the First Amendment.
We simply request the Court to reaffirm its decision in the Bremerton case on the same grounds of free exercise and free speech.
Justice Sway: Wait, the team’s name is the Scimitars, yes? Isn’t that the same weapon Arabs used to kill Christians?
Mr. Fawaz: In like manner as Christian Knights used swords to kill Arabs? Yes.
Justice Sway: But that’s because God told them to.
Mr. Fawaz: In like manner as Allah instructed Arabs to? Yes.
Justice Wolf pulled out his concealed Sig Sauer and laid it on the table in front of him.
Chief Justice Mullett: Holy Moly! Let’s don’t go starting no new religious wars here! But really, Mr. Fawaz, don’t you think the difference in the two cases is obvious?
Mr. Fawaz: Ah…well…no.
Stephen Miller smiled. The base sure as hell knows what the difference is.
Chief Justice Mullett: Anyhoo, time to move on. Hey there, Kenny boy, hah yew? Long time, no see!
ORAL ARGUMENT OF KENNETH PAXTON ON BEHALF OF RESPONDENT
Mr. Paxton: Mr. Chief Justice and may it please the court.
Yes, too long, Joe Bob, too long indeed. I know it will please the court if I lead my presentation with a prayer.
“Our Dear Heavenly Father, your faithful servants pray for your guidance and counsel today as we do battle with the Forces of Darkness. Onward Christian Soldiers, marching as to war with the cross of Our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ going on before! In the name of The Father, The Son, and The Holy Ghost, amen.”
All nine justices of the court: AMEN!
Chief Justice Mullett: I think we’ve heard enough. The court is ready to render its unanimous decision. This meeting is adjourned.
Stephen Miller smiled.
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