Illegal Aliens

“Ginny, get Governor DeKrakker on the phone right away!” Governor Craig Adolt yelled at his secretary. 

Ginny bustled her way to her desk just outside the governor’ office – literally bustled in one of her signature down-to-there up-to-here skin-tight outfits as Gov. Adolt gazed admiringly at her retreating figure. Sure, there where whispers in the corridors, but the young woman had crackerjack skills as an Executive Secretary and gatekeeper fencing out the crazies looking for favors. Besides, he is impotent these days, something his wife reminds him about every Wednesday. 

“Hello, this is Jennifer Gofer calling on behalf of Governor Adolt. He would like to speak to Governor DeKrakker as soon as possible, please.” 

“The Governor is currently in a meeting. I will let him know and he will get back to Governor Adolt as soon as possible.” 

“Thank you, Lorraine.” 

In DeKrakker’s office behind closed doors, a large monitor projected a list of brainstorming ideas he and members of the Republican White Christian Caucus put together for the upcoming legislative session: 

What Would Jesus Do? 

Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil…against the cosmic powers of this present darkness. Ephesians 6:11-12 

• Amendment to Floriday Constitution establishing marriage as between one man born with a penis and one woman born with a vagina. Persons born with both can only marry themselves or another person born with both, in which case only one penis can insert one vagina at a time; and the penis and the vagina not engaged must not touch one another lest adultery be committed; and as confirmed by an independent observer. 
• Death penalty for women who have an abortion in violation of the sanctity of life 
• Outlaw drag queens so we won’t have to obsess about them anymore 
• Burn all banned books then ban and burn some more  

• Fire all liberal college professors and schoolteachers as determine by the Office of Alignment Purity (OAP) 
• Remove all references to black, brown. And LGBTQ people in US history and social studies textbooks 
• Make driving while black an automatic misdemeanor to codify existing practices  
• Eliminate all taxes 
• Deport immigrants to sanctuary cities 

The meeting ended with a prayer in Jesus’ name to make it so. 

After caucus members left, Executive Secretary Lorraine Goblet, who wore sensible shoes, informed Governor DeKrakker of Governor Adolt’s request to speak to him.  

“Hey there, Craig, calling to congratulate me?” 

“Congratulate you for what, Don? What are you doing flying our illegal immigrants out of Texas? We don’t need your help abusing immigrants, thank you very much. But that’s not what I’m calling about.” 

“Aw, Craig, we’re only helping you out and you’re welcome. So, what are you calling about?” 

“Help with illegal aliens.” 

“But…” 

“I mean real illegal aliens. Not immigrants. Aliens, Don. And not little green men you are undoubtedly thinking about right now. No, they are purple.” 

“Wait, what? Slow down! Why are they illegal?” 

“Well, they haven’t applied for refugee status but most importantly, they are not white.” 

“I see what you mean. What happened? When did it happen?” 

“Just yesterday and it has been confirmed. I need to let you know before the media finds out and when they do, hoo boy howdy! We got an emergency call from Joe Don Buford, the county sheriff down there in Loving County. We have Joe Don patched in. Go ahead, Joe Don.” 

“Howdy, this here Joe Don Buford, county sheriff of Lovin…” 

“Geez, Joe Don, I already told Governor DeKrakker who you are. Hurry it up now.” 

“Well, alrighty then. Well, we was all down at the courthouse playing dominos when old busybody Mrs. Highsmith come in hollerin’ they’s a spaceship hovering right there above the courthouse, so I says, I says, sure Mrs. Highsmith, you been hitting the sauce again when Cluster the barber from down the street bust in saying the same thing…” 

“Goddamn it, Joe Don, get to the point, what the head purple guy said to you.” 

“Well, alrighty then. So, we run outside with our AK-47s to see the spaceship touch down and a whole buncha purple people get out, so we started blasting away but the bullets just ricocheted right off them and one of them killed Mrs. Highsmith, so maybe Jesus sent them. They sounded like a bunch of damn crickets and naked as jaybirds so you can see the women have three knock…I mean, breasts and the men have two dongs, uh that is, penises, damnedest thing I ever seen. Anyway, one of them steps forward and he says in perfect English even though he don’t have a mouth, he says ‘Take us to your leader, The Orange Man.’  

“Hear that, Don? The Orange Man – that has to be The Donald down at Mar-a-Lago, right?” 

“Hell, Craig, those aliens aren’t anywhere near here. Anyone in Loving County have orange hair?” 

Joe Don replied, “Only old widder woman Betsy T. Totaler and she ain’t never led nothin’ but a Sunday School class for other widder women.” 

“Ok, Joe Don, just go out there and get the purple guy and put him on the horn.” 

The Purple Guy came in. He wondered why Earthlings used such primitive technology as landlines. Mental telepathy is so much more efficient. 

Governor Adolt began, “Hello, uh … what should we call you?” 

“Dork, from the planet Nimrod, Lord of all Nimrods.” 

“Ok, uh … Dork. Tell us more about this Orange Man. Who and where is he?” 

“The Orange Man is your leader. He lives in a palace called Mar-A-Lago.” 

Governors Adolt and DeKrakker agreed The Orange Man is indeed their leader. 

“But you are a long way from Mar-a-Lago, Dork.” 

“We just landed at the nearest flattest place there is on your planet after we entered your atmosphere. We have just connected to your primitive network for GPS.” 

“But The Orange Man is no longer the Pres..” began Governor Adolt. 

“Shut up, Craig. I think you are referring to the 45^th President of the United States, Dork,” interjected Governor DeKrakker. 

“Correct. We believe The Big Lie,” Dork replied. 

“Why do you want to speak to The Orange Man?” Governor DeKrakker queried. 

“That is a topic for just us two Leaders of the Galaxy.” 

“Galaxy?”  

“He just tweeted that he is President of the Galaxy if not the Universe. We have important matters to discuss.” 

“Ok, ok, hold on hold on,” said Governor DeKrakker. “I’m going to get on a secure line with The Orange Man. I will patch you in, Craig, but Dork and Joe Don need to step outside.” 

“We will, but I can hear you anyway,” Dork said as they stepped outside. 

When they were outside, Joe Don asked, “Dork, excuse me for asking, why do you men have two penises?” 

“We call them dongs, just like you. Double the pleasure, double the fun.” 

~ 

“Hello, Mr. Acting President Until the Next Election, Governer Adolt and I have some startling news for you. Illegal aliens have entered Texas and want to speak to you.” 

“What? The Wall did not stop them? Nobody has ever seen anything like it. You didn’t shoot them?” 

“Well, these illegal aliens are just that. Actual aliens as in they landed in a spaceship and they are purple and the women have three breasts and the men have two penises, which they call dongs.” 

“I have two dongs, big, beautiful dongs, just ask Stormy, she said she’s never seen anything like it. Anyway, we need to build a hyuge glass dome, a big, beautiful glass dome like no one has ever seen, keep all the aliens out.” 

“Ah, well, yes,” Governor Adolt interjected, “but these ones are already here. Their leader, whose name is Dork and who is purple, says he has important matters of the galaxy to discuss with you, and it must be in private.” 

“Hmmmm, aliens from space, I’d like to see that. Send them on over to Mar-a-Lago. I bet he’s never seen anything like it, toilets made of gold, you know, toilet paper gilded with gold. Goodbye.” 

Ten minutes later, an aide rushed in, saying breathlessly, “Mr. Acting President Until the Next Election, a spaceship has just landed in front of Mar-a-Lago!” 

“Already? Oh, that must be Dork. Send him in.” 

~ 

“Well, Dork, what can I do you for? That’s a joke. I don’t make many jokes.” 

“Mr. Acting President Until the Next Election, we never had much interest in your planet, which we considered populated by morons, except for you because you say you have the biggest brain.” 

“Big brain. Biggest brain. Hyuge. Massive. All the doctors tell me they’ve never seen anything like it. Want a diet coke?” 

“Ah, no, thank you. As I said, we have never had much interest until our intelligence informed us that you created the US Space Force to, and I quote, “USSF responsibilities will include developing Guardians, acquiring military space systems, maturing the military doctrine for space power, and organizing space forces to present to our Combatant Commands.” With all due respect, that last thing about Combatant Commands does not make any sense.  

Nonetheless, you have also proclaimed yourself President of the Galaxy. I am the Leader of the Galaxy. I can assure you; we have no desire to destroy your planet with our Jewish Space Lasers unless we have to.” 

“Huh? You’re Jews? Well, I can assure you we will not be replaced by Jews. At least you’re purple, not black. Or brown.” 

“I see. You have classified documents that undoubtedly include ones about the US Space Force. We came here to claim them.” 

“I should have them right here in my desk drawer. Ah, well, wait a minute. RUDY! WHERE’S THE CLASSIFIED SPACE FORCE FILES? 

“JUST GIVE ME A MINUTE! “ 

Dork sighed. Morons. 

Rudy soon appeared with the files. “Here – they were scattered around Melania’s shoe closet. I guess that’s all of them.” 

“Okay, Dork, I have them now. What’s it worth to you?” 

Copyright © Johnny Clack 2022