Republic

Joe Don Buford, Sheriff of Loving County, Texas (population 64), had been to the state Republican convention and came back determined to educate the citizenry on the United States form of government. 

Joe Don held forth at the weekly domino games in the back room of Tiny’s Country DooDad Store at the end of Main, the only street in Mentone (population 22), the county seat. More people came to the domino games than to the council meetings and that’s why the sheriff thought it was the best forum for a civics lesson. 

“Well, looks like Tiny done won again. I think he’s loaded them dominos.” he said to laughter all around. Tiny (aka Jimmy Mack Nock) weighed at least 300 pounds, thus meeting the minimum requirements for the nickname. 

Joe Don continued, “What kind of government y’all think we got here in the good ol’ US and A?” 

“A Democracy,” Cluster the county barber and beautician replied to nods all around. 

“Ha!” exclaimed Joe Don, “that’s where you’re wrong, Cluster.” 

The crowd of eighteen men plus Miss Holly Highsmith, the scorekeeper, started murmuring. 

“Well, then, just what kind of government do we have then,” sneered Miss Highsmith. She taught most subjects at the God Almighty Christian Academy, including Math, which was why she was the scorekeeper. She is also the daughter of Dolly Highsmith, who had been tragically killed by space aliens recently. 

“Hold on now,” Joe Don replied, “Hear me out. The Loving County Republican precinct – that’s me, Tiny, and Cluster – had a three-way tie for who to send to the Texas Republican Convention this year. So, we drew straws, and I drew the long one. So, I went. 

I tell you what, they’s plenty smart folks at that convention. Lt. Gov. Dan Patrick spoke and told us the United States is not a democracy, it’s a republic. I was taken aback, just like all you folks just now.” 

“You mean like Rome was back in the day? You know, the Roman Republic?” asked Stinney “Stinky” Hoyer. Everyone looked at him because Stinky hardly ever said anything. 

“Why, that’s right, Stinky,” Joe Don said, then hesitated. “I think. Long time ago, don’t really know much about it. Let’s just say like The Texas Republic a few years after we whupped ol’ Santy Anny, thanks to the Yellow Rose of Texas.” 

A chorus of “Secede! Secede!” went up, which happened every week at the domino games. 

“Well, that just might happen before long.” Joe Don said once the chorus died down. “Anyhoo, back to us being a Republic in the meantime. Mr. Patrick said we elect representatives…” 

“You mean like our representative democracy?” interrupted Cluster, the mayor of Mentone County and proprietor of Cluster’s Barber and Beauty Salon.  

“Uh, yeah, well, but Mr. Patrick went on to say a Republic also has a constitution that limits government powers. Like our own Constitution.” 

“You mean how like our representative democracy with the constitution that limits the powers of the government?” 

“Now, don’t go confusing the issue, Cluster.” Damn Cluster can be a real pain in the ass sometimes, thought Joe Don. “Both the Lt. Gov. and I are politicians, so we know about these things. And I got an Associate Degree in Criminal Justice. You’re just a barber and beautician.” 

“But didn’t you think we’re a democracy until you went to the Convention, right?” 

“Now, just a minute, Cluster…” 

“You’re right, Joe Don. We’re not a democracy in the sense that we’re not a pure democracy where everybody gets to vote on every issue. Nobody thinks that anyway. We are a democracy with elected representatives under a constitution that limits the power of government. Or are we a Republic with elected representatives under a constitution that limits the power of government. What is the difference? Which is it, Joe Don?” 

“Uh, well, that is – ah, this civics is hereby ended. Come on, Cluster, I need a haircut.” 

Joe Don and Cluster left together. During Joe Don’s haircut, they agreed to just call it a Democratic Republic and drop the subject, so as not to get the citizenry all confused again. Most of them did not vote anyway.