Brief Bible Lessons

“He said to Jacob, Let me eat some of that red stuff, because I’m exhausted.” – Genesis 25:30 

• Don’t work too hard and carry the red stuff with you wherever you go. Also, don’t sell your birthright. 

“But Rabshakeh said, Hath my master sent me to thy master and to thee to speak these words? hath he not sent me to the men that sit upon the wall, that they may eat their own dung, and drink their own piss with you?” – Isaiah 36:12 

• If you come upon men sitting upon a wall, run the other way in all due haste just in case. 

“If a man loudly blesses his neighbor early in the morning, it will be taken as a curse.” – Proverbs 27:14 

• Praise your neighbor only between noon and midnight. 

“If only you would be altogether silent! For you, that would be wisdom.” – Job 13:5 

• I ain’t talkin’. 

“No one whose testicles are crushed or whose penis is cut off shall be admitted to the assembly of the LORD.” – Deuteronomy 23:1 

• If your testicles have been crushed and/or your penis has been cut off, don’t try to go to church. If you can make it, go to the emergency room instead. 

“When he opened the seventh seal, there was silence in heaven for about half an hour.” – Revelations 8:1 

• If all that harp music in heaven is annoying the hell out of you, go find the Seventh Seal and open it. 

There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses.” – Ezekiel 23:20 

• Make sure you lust after human males with normal size genitals and emissions – not too big and not too small, not too little and not too much. I am available. 

“Happy those who seize your children and smash them against a rock.” -Psalm 137:9 

• This is a Psalm? Really? Belongs somewhere else, like Leviticus or something. 

“If I testify about myself, my testimony is not valid.” – John 5:31 

• Be sure to tell your interrogators that your testimony is not valid before confessing to a crime. 

“If two men are fighting and the wife of one of them comes to rescue her husband from his assailant, and she reaches out and seizes him by his private parts, you shall cut off her hand. Show her no pity.” – Deuteronomy 25:11-12 

• Before fighting a woman’s husband, look around and make sure she’s not around anywhere. If she nevertheless somehow sneaks up and grabs you by the balls, stop the fight and cut off her hand, then resume the fight. 

“Submit yourselves for the Lord’s sake to every authority instituted among men: whether to the king, as the supreme authority.” – 1 Peter 2:13 

• Except Donald Trump. 

“The righteous will be glad when they are avenged, when they bathe their feet in the blood of the wicked.” – Psalm 58:10 

• Bring plenty of towels and foot sanitizer.  

“You shall not let a sorceress live.” – Exodus 22:18 

• If she breaks your heart, she is a sorceress, and you may kill her. 

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This concludes our Brief Bible Lessons for today. Go now in peace and sin no more.