CIAEWDL

Devin McNoodle had traded away all his power to become the Speaker, reduced to playing a ceremonial role and sitting in his office, parting and re-parting his hair to look his best while doing nothing. He perched forward in his chair to ease the pain from the knives in his back. Even lobbyists stop coming to see him, giving their money directly to committee chairs instead. From time to time, he posed for photographs with constituents from his district – Kiwanis Club and Lions Club groups, Knights of Columbus, city officials, marijuana farmers, auto dealership owners, girl scout and boy scout troops. His was a lonely Speakership. 

The real power in the House now lay with Nat Nutz and Lorry Burpart who pulled the strings behind the curtain. In the House Rules, they surreptitiously inserted a provision that gave them unlimited power to do … well … whatever they wanted to. To that end, they set up a committee to go after whatever whenever.  

So it was that the Committee to Investigate Anything and Everything We Don’t Like (CIAEWDL – pronounced “coodle”) was created with Gym Jordache as chairperson shortly after the beginning of the 117^th United States Congress, which had been delayed by the fifteen votes to select the Speaker, the sniveling coward Devin McNoodle.  

Before the first meeting of CIAWDL, Chairman Jordache called for a Republican caucus to brainstorm topics for investigation.  

Lorry Burpart forced Marge Tyler Blue to keep a running list as the topics were raised as if she was a secretary which really chapped Marge’s ass. Boy, was she ever going to get a workout with her Target dildo and butt plug that night. 

Investigation Topic Brainstorm 

• Hillary Clinton Emails 

• Hillary Clinton Benghazi 
• Hillary Clinton Lesbian(?) Sex Life 
• Bill Clinton Sex Life 
• George Pelosi Sex Life 
• Hunter Biden Sex Life 

• Hunter Biden Laptop/Sex Life 
• Hunter Biden Laptop 
• Hillary Clinton 
• Copulation Contraception 
• Joe Biden and Classified Documents 
• Not Donald Trump and Classified Documents 

• George Soros Communist-Jewish Conspiracy 
• Stolen Election 2020 
• Black Lives Matter 
• Black People in General 
• Brown People in General 

• Immigrants 
• Mexico 
• The Satanic Cult and Pedophilia in the Democratic Party 
• Vladimir Zelensky and Ukraine 
• Critical Race Theory 

• So-called “Science” 
• Dr. Anthony Fauci, so-called “Scientist” 
• Genders 
• Deep State – What Is It? 
• Persecution of Republicans 

• Persecution of Christians 
• Persecution of White People 
• Is JFK Jr Still Alive? 
• Who Really Killed JFK? 
• Trilateral Commission 

• Global World Order 
• Woke Culture 
• Political Correctness 
• Democracy 

Finally, Chairman Jordache cried enough is enough! A chorus of boos went up as members cried, we’ve got more! Lots more! He compromised by telling the raucous caucus to put their further topics in writing and meet again in the morning to winnow down the list. 

The next day, members added an additional 112 topics to bring the total to 151.  

“Okay, we need to bring the number of topics down to a manageable level,” Jordache began, then he cleared his throat. “Ah, well, a few members approached me last night and suggested that … well … we might want to eliminate the topics having to with, um, sex because that could … get complicated. There is already a lot of speculation as to how Speaker McNoodle finally got the votes he, you know, needed to get elected. Also … well, never mind.” Members looked around at each other, down on the floor, shuffled their feet and quickly agreed to the proposal to eliminate sex topics, all the while grumbling. 

“Ok, that gets the list down to 122 potential investigative topics total then. We need to break these down, consolidate and eliminate, until we have a minimal number to start on. First, we’ll sort the list be alphabetical order. Then we’ll break into ten subcommittees with 10 topics each : Committee A takes first 10 topics, Committee B takes the next 10, and so on. Each committee must whittle the list down to one topic and one topic only. The resulting 10 topics will be brought back to the full caucus for further consideration. Each subcommittee will be chaired by a member of the Liberty Caucus as selected by me.”  

The Caucus erupted into an uproar with multiple shouts of “Point of order! Point of order!” Chairman Jordache had no choice but to call in the Capitol police to restore order. The Capitol police were pleased to see that this time, unlike January 6, they were only dealing with a bunch of doddering old fools who quickly submitted. 

“Ok, now. Further dissent will not be tolerated – this is not a democracy.” Somebody called for a vote of confidence in Speaker Devin McNoodle. “McNoodle? McNoodle? What’s he got to do with any of this?” asked Chairman Jordache.  

The caucus broke into much-needed laughter which eased the tension in the room. With that, the meeting adjourned, and the ten subcommittees began their deliberations with orders to report back with their one topic in two days. Over the next two days, a lot of shouting took place in each of the subcommittee rooms and a few fistfights broke out.  

When the time came to report their one topic for CIAEWDL to take up, each subcommittee recommended the same thing – Investigate Hunter Biden’s Laptop. 

Chairman Jordache noted that each of the twenty regular standing House committees were already investigating Hunter Biden’s laptop, then opened the floor for questions. 

“Can we really investigate a laptop?” 

“Uh, good point. I guess we’re really investigating Hunter Biden then.” 

“Do we know what’s on the laptop?” 

“Not really, but it’s been reported that there’s a lot of dick pics and naked girls on it.” 

“Do we really have to look at Hunter Biden’s dick pics?” 

“No, probably.” 

“What about the naked girls? Can we see the naked girls?” 

“Yes, probably.” 

“Exactly what are we investigating Hunter Biden for?” 

“For being Joe Biden’s son.” 

“Is that illegal?” 

“It will be.” 

“What else?” 

“Uh, well, les’see. Oh yeah, he was a consultant to the Ukrainian natural gas company Burisma. We do not like Ukraine, who is at war with Russia, who we do like.” 

“Was that illegal?” 

“Uh, no. Maybe.” 

“Wasn’t then Vice President Joe Biden investigating corruption in Ukraine and even Burisma?” 

“Yes. That’s what they say.” 

“Did Hunter Biden intervene with his father to stop the investigation of Burisma corruption?” 

“Uh, no. Maybe. Probably.” 

“Hey! My kid works as an assistant to the undersecretary to the Vice Chair for the Sports Advisory Board in the White House. That’s ok, isn’t it?” 

“Check with the Ethics Committee. Oh wait, we got rid of the Ethics Committee, ha-ha!”  

“So why exactly are we investigating Hunter Biden and his laptop?” 

“Give me a minute.” 

“Pretty thin gruel. Why don’t we ask that AI thing everyone’s talking about, to state the case against Hunter Biden? Oh yeah, ChatGPT. We’re kind of floundering here, aren’t we?” 

“Yeah, we need help all right. We need Artificial Intelligence.” 

An IT aide asked ChatGPT “what about Hunter Biden and his laptop?” It provided a surprisingly good answer within a minute that made everyone gasp in wonder. Still, it needed editing. 

Here is the final edited draft providing the rationale for the Hunter Biden investigation. 

The investigation into Hunter Biden’s laptop has been a controversial topic, with some arguing that it is a political tactic aimed at damaging the reputation of President Biden and his son. However, others argue that There are legitimate reasons to investigate the contents of the Hunter Biden’s laptop, such as potential conflicts of interest or unethical behavior. 

One argument for investigating the laptop is that it may contain evidence of Hunter Biden’s business dealings and financial connections, which could raise questions about potential conflicts of interest during his father’s tenure as Vice President and later as President. 

Another reason is that it could also contain evidence of any illegal activities, such as money laundering or tax evasion. 

Another reason is that it could contain salacious photographs and video that must undergo strict scrutiny. 

Additionally, the laptop may contain information about Hunter Biden’s involvement with foreign entities, which could have implications for national security. 

It’s worth noting that the authenticity and veracity of the information on the laptop have not been confirmed yet and should be independently verified. 

In summary, the investigation into Hunter Biden’s laptop could potentially reveal information about conflicts of interest, illegal activities, and national security issues, and pornographic material which would be in the public’s interest to know. 

The amended text was adopted with unanimous consent. 

But before CIAEWDL could convene for its first meeting, the House was called into emergency session to vote on whether to raise the national debt ceiling to pay for the spending that the House had already authorized and appropriated. 

The House Republicans refused to vote for raising the national debt ceiling. The markets went into a frenzy of selling off assets, the global economy faltered, and the United States bond rating fell precipitously as holders of the debt worried whether they would get paid or what. The House Republicans were not complete idiots as they authorized the government to continue paying Social Security, Medicare, and Defense programs but slashed or eliminated nearly every other government program. After a few weeks, the global economy collapsed. 

CIAWDL did hold a few meetings, but, really, nobody gave a shit about Hunter Biden’s laptop anymore. 

Copyright © Johnny Clack 2022